I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
