I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
