Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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