I could make wine with my vomit
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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