You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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