So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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