Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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