The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
