i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
