I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
