o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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