Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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