watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
