I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
