I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
