I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
