my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize