new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize