I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
