I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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