I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
