I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
