Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
