When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
