So drunk, too bad you don't want this
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
