i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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