Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
