Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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