my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
