If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize