He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
