I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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