he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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