Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
