Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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