"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize