I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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