Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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