I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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