Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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