He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He shit in the fireplace
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
