i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
