Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
