I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
