thus making me awesome and them whores
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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