Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
