I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
