I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
