so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She even gives head with a lisp.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
