dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
