Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
