I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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