just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
