I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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