You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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