i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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