i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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