You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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