My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
