brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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