I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
