3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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