when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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